What it means to communicate well in a relationship

Communication forms the cornerstone of every successful relationship; it allows for open conversations about what you need, want, and feel. The goal is for both parties to feel fully understood, cared for and nurtured in the relationship. We want to develop a safe space based on non-judgment and mutual understanding.

None of us are born with the ability to navigate conflict and many of us grow up without learning how to communicate effectively; for many couples, learning to communicate without fighting can seem impossible. The good news is these are skills we can learn as adults and by learning effective communication skills, we can foster a deeper connection with our partner.

10 effective communication skills that can strengthen the foundation of your relationship

1. Give your partner your full attention

Don’t text and talk. Regardless of the topic of conversation, try giving your partner your undivided attention. Put away distractions like technology, mute or turn off the television, and lean in toward your partner, indicating that you care about their information. Nod and maintain eye contact to show your partner you are listening.

2. Speak face to face

One of the best communication skills in relationships you can use is always speaking about important topics face-to-face. Texting is certainly not the avenue for serious relationship conversations or making big decisions since the tone of voice cannot be determined through text messages. Instead, whenever possible, choose a time when you can be face-to-face with your partner and read one another’s non-verbal cues. When things are said in person, there is little room for things getting “lost in translation” through tech.

3. Notice nonverbal cues

If your partner says “I’m fine” but their tone sounds irritated, upset, or angry, then there may be something else that they’re feeling but not yet ready to communicate. Communication is not just about the words we say but also how we say them. Our tone and our attitude give away a lot more than just the words coming out of our mouths. It is a skill to be able to pick up on those nonverbal cues which is also why face to face is so important. Look at your partner's facial expressions, their hands, their body language and listen to their tone of voice.

4. Don’t mind read

Sometimes you can tell just by looking at someone what they may be feeling but we also often make assumptions so if you are not sure what your partner is feeling, ask them. This should be a two-way street, so if you find you are holding things in and expecting your partner to read your mind, take a moment to realize they are making an effort to ask you what is going on. It is okay if you aren’t ready to talk as long as you communicate that to your partner. Being direct is always better than being passive-aggressive. You both must make an effort to better understand each other and be patient with each other too.

5. Create a pattern of openness

Make transparency the norm in your relationship. Show up, be honest and stay connected. Focus on communicating issues rather than repressing them out of fear of conflict. Tell your partner as soon as you notice something that is bothering you about the relationship and let them in on your thought process. 

6. Avoid criticism

Criticism is one of the so-called four horsemen of the apocalypse which are habits that have been found to predict divorce. If you find yourself using always or never often, you are likely in the habit of criticizing your partner. Instead of reaching for critical remarks, try to identify the issue that upset you, and share how you felt about it, and what you want instead. 

7. Regulate your own emotions

It's only natural to get upset in a tense conversation, but it's important to be able to manage our emotions without taking them out on our partners. It takes practice but we need to learn to settle ourselves down and tend to our reactivity if we want to be able to manage difficult conversations. When we are triggered or notice ourselves escalating, it is our job to notice it in ourselves and self-soothe. That may mean taking some deep breaths, taking a pause or break from the conversation or using other strategies to regain a sense of control over ourselves when we feel overwhelmed. The important piece is to return to the conversation when we are calm.

8. Tell your partner what you need

It is easy to say “If they knew me, they would know what I need,” but no one is a mind reader and chances are you want different things at different times. At times, you may want to vent and have your partner listen or validate you, whereas at other times you might want advice or problem-solving. Being direct about what you need can reduce some of the miscommunication or stress in a given situation by letting them know ahead of time, we can maybe prevent those unnecessary disagreements brought on by a miscommunication. Saying something beforehand like, “I need to vent right now and I’m not looking for any advice, just your support,” or, “I need your advice on this situation,” will let them know exactly what you need. 

9. Use ‘I’ statements and avoid absolutes

Try to avoid saying things like, ‘You always/never do x.’ These statements are often inaccurate and only serve to shut down communication and foster negative feelings. Instead, focus on specific behaviours or events you want to see changed or addressed. Speaking in ‘I’ statements can also help communicate needs or wants in a non-blaming way. For example, stating ‘I feel hurt when you speak to me like that’ sends the same message as ‘you always yell at me’ but is more likely to lead to a productive conversation.

10. Repair any damage and reconnect as soon as possible

All couples argue– are humans. However, when these things happen, it's vital to notice them and then make an effort to repair the damage done as soon as possible. Repair will look different for each couple and depend on the situation, for some, this may mean apologizing for our tone, other times it could mean using humour to defuse tension, for some physical touch will be what is needed. It is also important to understand whether efforts for repair have landed well with our partners, so check in. 

Seeking Professional Help When Needed

Mastering these 10 communication skills can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. These steps are simple but not always easy to do, and many couples find it challenging to navigate communication issues on their own. It is often beneficial to seek help from a trained and experienced couple’s therapist.

Couples Counselling can teach you new skills and offer a safe space to discuss difficult topics. We encourage you to practice these skills consistently and seek professional help when needed. Do you want to deepen your connection and improve communication in your relationship? If so, book a free consultation.